The Kindness We Forget to Give Ourselves
Real compassion starts within. When we soften toward ourselves, we create the space to meet others with genuine care.
The 4th part of my series “At Home in Yourself, this week on self-compassion and how that helps us find our ability to offer true compassion to others..
It can feel easy to talk about compassion for others. Since we were young, we’ve been taught to be kind, to care, to comfort people who are hurting. But what about compassion for ourselves? That one tends to get overlooked, or worse, dismissed as selfish indulgence. Amiright?
The truth is, self-compassion is absolutely, positively, not indulgence. It’s strength. It’s clarity. Without self-compassion, we aren’t really equipped to create the conditions inside ourselves to show up with real compassion for others.
I’ve learned this slowly, through years of growing, stumbling, and discovering parts of myself I didn’t always want to face. At first, I thought I had to “fix” all that. But over time I realized that offering kindness to myself was more powerful than all that judgment and fixing. (Frankly I never actually fixed anything, it just got drilled deeper into my subconscious.)
Only when I could be able to practice being gentle with myself in those fragile moments did compassion blossom outward naturally without planning for it. It just was there.
Kristin Neff, one of the leading voices on this subject, writes: “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” And when we know what it feels like to be met with that kindness inside, we’re far more able to extend it to others — not from duty, but from true understanding.
Think about it: how could we really hold space for someone else’s mistakes, growth, or struggles if we can’t do the same for ourselves? When we practice self-compassion, we soften the harshness inside. We create a kind of inner refuge. And that refuge becomes the place from which we can meet others, especially when they, too, are changing and uncertain.
Self-compassion doesn’t erase accountability or growth. It’s what makes growth possible without shame. It reminds us that we’re human, learning as we go, and so is everyone else.
Reflection Questions
Give yourself a moment to reflect on these, or even journal about them. Ask a friend how these land for them too.
How do I usually speak to myself when I make a mistake?
When have I shown myself kindness in the past, and how did it feel?
How might my relationships change if I practiced the same compassion inward that I offer outward?
Where could I soften just a little bit instead of criticizing myself?
Gentle Practices
Best-Friend Talk: When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and reframe: What would I say to my best friend in this moment?
Hand on Heart: Place a hand on your chest, breathe gently, and repeat a simple phrase like, “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Compassionate Pause: When you feel frustration toward someone else, take a moment to notice: Am I being hard on myself too?
Kindness List: Write down three small ways you can show yourself compassion this week — rest, nourishment, or letting yourself be imperfect.
Self-compassion isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about meeting yourself with enough kindness to keep going, growing, and opening. The more compassion you give yourself, the easier it becomes to offer it freely to others ... because you know how it feels.