Stop with the Stuffing Already!
Stuffing your feelings isn't a strength. It's keeping you from being your truest self, and that's a tragedy.
I grew up in a family where emotions were about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. We didn’t talk about them, we didn’t express them, and if you had a big feeling you stuffed it down and hoped it would disappear.
I used to think swallowing my feelings was the polite, “grown-up” thing to do. Looking back now, I can see how tragic that was. I swallowed my feelings instead of expressing them. It took me decades to understand that stuffing emotions doesn’t make them vanish; it just makes you quietly miserable and leaves everyone else confused about what’s really going on.
The truth is, stuffing emotions is not an act of strength. It’s the antithesis of self-compassion.
When we shove our feelings down instead of expressing them, we’re basically saying to ourselves, “I don’t matter enough to be heard.”
That mindset oozes into everything, as tension in your shoulders, snapping at someone who doesn’t deserve it, or that brittle, tight smile that fools no one.
Recently, I saw this play out at a dinner party. The hostess had prepared an incredible meal, clearly made with love, and one guest just had to criticize it. We could all see the flash of hurt on her face, but she swallowed it down, pasted on a smile, and carried on as though nothing was wrong. My heart sank because I recognized that feeling so well.
A moment later, I slipped into the kitchen, hugged her, and told her how amazing she was and how much we all appreciated her. She burst into tears and hugged me back hard. I think it helped to just have someone acknowledge how much effort she’d poured into that night. It reminded me how much pain is hidden under those forced smiles and how badly we all need compassion, both from others and ourselves.
Stuffing Feelings Hurts Everyone
It disconnects you from yourself. (If you can’t admit what you’re feeling, how can anyone else truly understand you?)
It creates pressure, like shaking a soda can. Eventually, you’re gonna pop, probably at the worst possible moment.
It deprives our relationships of honesty and trust.
It creates a sense of distance and maybe a loss of trust. People realize pretty quickly they don’t know what you’re really thinking
Micro Practices to Stop Stuffing
The “What’s Up, Me?” Check-In
Pause for 10 seconds. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” (Hint: “Fine” is not a real emotion.) Naming your feelings, annoyed, nervous, sad, frustrated, takes away some of their power and makes them easier to deal with.
The Pause Button
Before reacting or fake-smiling through it take a single slow breath. It’s like pressing pause on your brain’s “pretend everything’s OK” response. You can even say, “Give me a second to think about that,” and return when you’re ready to respond mindfully.
The Mini Truth Bomb
Practice expressing your feelings in small, non-dramatic ways. For example: “Ouch Dave, thanks dude.” You don’t have to blow up, just open a crack to show the reality of the moment. That’s how real connections start.
Be the Person Who Notices
Sometimes, a small act of compassion can shift everything. That quiet hug in the kitchen? It wasn’t just for her, it was for me, too. It reminded me how healing it is when someone sees you, really sees you, and says, “I appreciate you.”
You can be that person for someone else. Pause, notice when someone’s smile looks a little too tight, and take a moment to acknowledge them. It could mean more than you realize.